Blessings of Bipolar Stability

Today I am feeling truly blessed. I have my two older sons visiting with me (26 and 24), and I think back to a time when they would have nothing to do with me because of my addictions and bipolar disorder. So much has changed...

When my sons were younger, they were subject to a mom with extremes in mood changes, unpredictable, irrational, and impulsive behavior, grandiose ideas and plans, risky behaviors, and all the rest that comes with not only bipolar, but addiction as well.

I was an alcoholic and addict and had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Before I was diagnosed officially with bipolar, I self-medicated my bipolar symptoms with alcohol and drugs. I was on a definite slow path to self-destruction on the installment plan. I had no idea what the future would hold.

I was a terrible mom. I couldn't take care of myself, much less take care of my children. I think they mostly raised themselves, and it's a miracle they've turned out to be the wonderful young men that they are today. One is plagued by the bipolar demons that almost destroyed me, but the other one seems free of them. But at least the one who is, can get the help he needs at a much younger age than I did.

I wasn't diagnosed until my forties, leaving behind much destruction and self-destruction in my wake. How I wish I had the opportunity that my son has, to be diagnosed so much younger and put on the right medications so as to avoid the bad decisions and impulsive behavior that cost me so much of my life.

Things could have been so different had I been diagnosed earlier. I could have been a better mom, for one thing. I could have been there for my children, instead of fighting inner battles all the time, fantasizing about suicide and other ways of self-terminating just to escape the daily pain of my life as a person with (undiagnosed) bipolar disorder. I lived with irrational thoughts as a way of life back then.

But that was almost ten years ago now, and the difference is like night and day. Once I was diagnosed and put on the right medications, it was like a lightbulb was lit in my head! Everything seemed clearer, and I was free from the chaos and drama that had plagued my whole life before then.

I began seeing a psychiatrist and therapist, and working through the irrational thoughts and fallout from consequences of my past bipolar episodes and behavior. And through the help of a 12-step program, was able to make amends to my children.

Now I have new relationships with my sons, dare I say, better relationships with my sons, as we relate on an adult level, and they understand that it was the disorder that caused me to act the way I did, and not me. Now they know me as the loving mom I had always wanted to be.

Yes, today I am truly blessed. I have stability, long-term stability, something that at one time I thought was far beyond my reach. But with hard work, determination, and hope, I have been able to attain it, and thus attain a good relationship with my sons.

I wish the same for you. If you are struggling with your bipolar disorder now, don't give up hope. I never did. I had to have hope, because the alternative was just more of what I had been living, and I couldn't bear that. You don't want to stay where you are - you want to move forward, however slow the progress. Someday you will reach stability, and you will be able to repair your broken relationships too! Just don't give up - keep doing what you need to do to maintain your stability and you'll get there.

Don't forget to check out my bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele