Today I am feeling truly blessed. I have my two older sons visiting with me (26 and 24), and I think back to a time when they would have nothing to do with me because of my addictions and bipolar disorder. So much has changed...
When my sons were younger, they were subject to a mom with extremes in mood changes, unpredictable, irrational, and impulsive behavior, grandiose ideas and plans, risky behaviors, and all the rest that comes with not only bipolar, but addiction as well.
I was an alcoholic and addict and had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Before I was diagnosed officially with bipolar, I self-medicated my bipolar symptoms with alcohol and drugs. I was on a definite slow path to self-destruction on the installment plan. I had no idea what the future would hold.
I was a terrible mom. I couldn't take care of myself, much less take care of my children. I think they mostly raised themselves, and it's a miracle they've turned out to be the wonderful young men that they are today. One is plagued by the bipolar demons that almost destroyed me, but the other one seems free of them. But at least the one who is, can get the help he needs at a much younger age than I did.
I wasn't diagnosed until my forties, leaving behind much destruction and self-destruction in my wake. How I wish I had the opportunity that my son has, to be diagnosed so much younger and put on the right medications so as to avoid the bad decisions and impulsive behavior that cost me so much of my life.
Things could have been so different had I been diagnosed earlier. I could have been a better mom, for one thing. I could have been there for my children, instead of fighting inner battles all the time, fantasizing about suicide and other ways of self-terminating just to escape the daily pain of my life as a person with (undiagnosed) bipolar disorder. I lived with irrational thoughts as a way of life back then.
But that was almost ten years ago now, and the difference is like night and day. Once I was diagnosed and put on the right medications, it was like a lightbulb was lit in my head! Everything seemed clearer, and I was free from the chaos and drama that had plagued my whole life before then.
I began seeing a psychiatrist and therapist, and working through the irrational thoughts and fallout from consequences of my past bipolar episodes and behavior. And through the help of a 12-step program, was able to make amends to my children.
Now I have new relationships with my sons, dare I say, better relationships with my sons, as we relate on an adult level, and they understand that it was the disorder that caused me to act the way I did, and not me. Now they know me as the loving mom I had always wanted to be.
Yes, today I am truly blessed. I have stability, long-term stability, something that at one time I thought was far beyond my reach. But with hard work, determination, and hope, I have been able to attain it, and thus attain a good relationship with my sons.
I wish the same for you. If you are struggling with your bipolar disorder now, don't give up hope. I never did. I had to have hope, because the alternative was just more of what I had been living, and I couldn't bear that. You don't want to stay where you are - you want to move forward, however slow the progress. Someday you will reach stability, and you will be able to repair your broken relationships too! Just don't give up - keep doing what you need to do to maintain your stability and you'll get there.
Don't forget to check out my bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
Monday, December 27, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
When You Don't Feel Like It With Bipolar
Sometimes, with bipolar disorder, you don't feel like doing everything you're supposed to do to keep it under good management. You don't feel like taking all those pills, or going to all those appointments, or exercising or eating right, etc.
So what do you do when you don't feel like doing all these things? You press on anyway, knowing that you don't want to face the consequences if you should stop doing them.
If you don't keep doing all the things you're supposed to do even when you don't feel like doing them, the consequences are worse, usually that you will go into a bipolar episode, and you don't want that.
You need to press on, even when you don't want to. It helps to have a positive attitude, to keep in mind the stability that doing the things you should brings you.
If you have a negative attitude, it's easy to fall into the "I don't feel like it" frame of mind, and then you start letting things slip, jeopardizing the very stability that you hold dear.
There was a time when I fell into that "I don't feel like it" frame of mind, and I let it get a hold of me. I even went off my medications, because I "didn't feel like" taking them any more. You guessed it! I went right into a bipolar episode!
After that, I began to take my medications religiously, as well as to do all the other things I do to keep me stable, even when I don't feel like it. Stability is just too important to me, and I don't want to pay the consequences.
Sometimes, like I said, you just have to press on, even when you don't feel like it. It will be worth it in the end, when you remain stable for a long period of time and go without those bipolar episodes you so dread.
Don't forget to check out my bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
So what do you do when you don't feel like doing all these things? You press on anyway, knowing that you don't want to face the consequences if you should stop doing them.
If you don't keep doing all the things you're supposed to do even when you don't feel like doing them, the consequences are worse, usually that you will go into a bipolar episode, and you don't want that.
You need to press on, even when you don't want to. It helps to have a positive attitude, to keep in mind the stability that doing the things you should brings you.
If you have a negative attitude, it's easy to fall into the "I don't feel like it" frame of mind, and then you start letting things slip, jeopardizing the very stability that you hold dear.
There was a time when I fell into that "I don't feel like it" frame of mind, and I let it get a hold of me. I even went off my medications, because I "didn't feel like" taking them any more. You guessed it! I went right into a bipolar episode!
After that, I began to take my medications religiously, as well as to do all the other things I do to keep me stable, even when I don't feel like it. Stability is just too important to me, and I don't want to pay the consequences.
Sometimes, like I said, you just have to press on, even when you don't feel like it. It will be worth it in the end, when you remain stable for a long period of time and go without those bipolar episodes you so dread.
Don't forget to check out my bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
Friday, December 17, 2010
Bipolar Disorder and the Weather
I don't know what it's been like where you are, but here it's been snowing, and everyone's been forced to stay inside, which isn't always good for someone with bipolar disorder.
You've heard of "cabin fever," right? Well, I think people with bipolar disorder get it worse than other people do. If you're stuck inside too long, it can either drive you manic or into a depression, if you don't do something about it.
If you're stuck inside because of the snow, that's a good time to work on one of the projects you've been putting off. At least then you stay productive, and feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. This is good for your bipolar disorder, and good for how you feel about yourself.
At least our snow only lasted a couple of days, and then we were able to get outside again and go shopping and whatnot, so th cabin fever didn't really get to us. So neither my husband nor I experienced any bipolar symptoms during this time.
But when the weather is bad, it is not unusual to experience bipolar symptoms. There is even a syndrome that occurs during the winter months call SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), when during the cold months, when you are forced to stay insided because of the nasty weather, depression increases.
That can happen more easily with bipolar disorder, for those prone to depression anyway. The best thing you can do is get out as often as you can when the weather is good enough. Fresh air is good for those prone to depression.
Don't let the bad weather get you down. Get out as much as you can. This way you can overcome SAD and other feelings of depression because of the bad weather of the winter months. And it won't destroy your enjoyment of the holidays, either.
Don't forget to check out my bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
You've heard of "cabin fever," right? Well, I think people with bipolar disorder get it worse than other people do. If you're stuck inside too long, it can either drive you manic or into a depression, if you don't do something about it.
If you're stuck inside because of the snow, that's a good time to work on one of the projects you've been putting off. At least then you stay productive, and feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. This is good for your bipolar disorder, and good for how you feel about yourself.
At least our snow only lasted a couple of days, and then we were able to get outside again and go shopping and whatnot, so th cabin fever didn't really get to us. So neither my husband nor I experienced any bipolar symptoms during this time.
But when the weather is bad, it is not unusual to experience bipolar symptoms. There is even a syndrome that occurs during the winter months call SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), when during the cold months, when you are forced to stay insided because of the nasty weather, depression increases.
That can happen more easily with bipolar disorder, for those prone to depression anyway. The best thing you can do is get out as often as you can when the weather is good enough. Fresh air is good for those prone to depression.
Don't let the bad weather get you down. Get out as much as you can. This way you can overcome SAD and other feelings of depression because of the bad weather of the winter months. And it won't destroy your enjoyment of the holidays, either.
Don't forget to check out my bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Bipolar: Remembering My Sister Today
Well, today is kind of a sad day for me, as I remember what would have been my sister's birthday. She had bipolar disorder, too, except she went off her medications, went into a bipolar episode, and killed herself five years ago.
It doesn't get any easier for me. I mean, I have made peace with the idea that she killed herself, but never peace with the idea that I still miss her so very much. You see, we were like twins. Even in the face that we both had bipolar disorder.
The big difference is that I stayed on my medication, while she went off hers, went into a major bipolar episode, and took her own life. She never would have done that had she not been in an episode. That just wasn't like her at all. She had so much to live for.
Suicide for my sister, as it is for many people with bipolar, was the result of an irrational mind. She just wasn't rational at the time. She wasn't thinking good thoughts or making good decisions, or she wouldn't have done what she did.
She sure wasn't thinking about how it would affect those people who love her - it devastated all of us! We still remember her on her birthday (today) and on her death day, April 15th. I always put up her picture and light a candle for her. My mom does the same thing.
We miss her so much. It tooke years for me to get over the anger at the senselessness of it all. There was no reason for her to do what she did. Oh, but the bipolar made sense of it for her - it gave her irrational thoughts that she believed, so she took her own life because of those thoughts.
Every year at this time, I make a plea for people with bipolar disorder to stay on their medications - don't even think of going off of them!!! Otherwise you, too, could go into a bipolar episode and end up killing yourself like my sister did. I'd hate to see that happen to anyone else, and so I make this plea.
Even if things are hard for you at this time of year, which they are for many people, hang in there - things will get better. They would have for my sister, if she just would have hung in there.
The episode would have eventually gotten over, and she could have faced her problems and solved at least some of them. She had family who loved her very much, including a husband of 21 years.
If you are even thinking of stopping your medications, think of my sister. And don't! And if you are struggling right now and even thinking of suicide, remember no matter how bad things seem right now, they will get better - they always do. Just hang in there. And remember my sister. If she had only waited one more day, things would have been so much different for her...
Please, if you are thinking along these lines, just wait one more day, and things will be so different for you, too.
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
ps. Don't forget to check out my bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com
It doesn't get any easier for me. I mean, I have made peace with the idea that she killed herself, but never peace with the idea that I still miss her so very much. You see, we were like twins. Even in the face that we both had bipolar disorder.
The big difference is that I stayed on my medication, while she went off hers, went into a major bipolar episode, and took her own life. She never would have done that had she not been in an episode. That just wasn't like her at all. She had so much to live for.
Suicide for my sister, as it is for many people with bipolar, was the result of an irrational mind. She just wasn't rational at the time. She wasn't thinking good thoughts or making good decisions, or she wouldn't have done what she did.
She sure wasn't thinking about how it would affect those people who love her - it devastated all of us! We still remember her on her birthday (today) and on her death day, April 15th. I always put up her picture and light a candle for her. My mom does the same thing.
We miss her so much. It tooke years for me to get over the anger at the senselessness of it all. There was no reason for her to do what she did. Oh, but the bipolar made sense of it for her - it gave her irrational thoughts that she believed, so she took her own life because of those thoughts.
Every year at this time, I make a plea for people with bipolar disorder to stay on their medications - don't even think of going off of them!!! Otherwise you, too, could go into a bipolar episode and end up killing yourself like my sister did. I'd hate to see that happen to anyone else, and so I make this plea.
Even if things are hard for you at this time of year, which they are for many people, hang in there - things will get better. They would have for my sister, if she just would have hung in there.
The episode would have eventually gotten over, and she could have faced her problems and solved at least some of them. She had family who loved her very much, including a husband of 21 years.
If you are even thinking of stopping your medications, think of my sister. And don't! And if you are struggling right now and even thinking of suicide, remember no matter how bad things seem right now, they will get better - they always do. Just hang in there. And remember my sister. If she had only waited one more day, things would have been so much different for her...
Please, if you are thinking along these lines, just wait one more day, and things will be so different for you, too.
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
ps. Don't forget to check out my bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Bipolar: Take It Easy At Holiday Time
With all the hussle and bussle of the holidays going on, there's one thing you can't forget if you've got bipolar disorder - take it easy.
I know you've probably got shopping to do, a tree to put up and decorate, holiday decorations to put up, cooking and baking to do, family and friends to visit, parties and family gatherings to go to, and endless other holiday activities and responsibilities to attend to, but if you don't take it easy, it can all get too overwhelming for you.
In between all your other scheduling, try to schedule in some breaks for yourself. In between seeing other people, try to schedule some alone time as well.
Remember that although Christmas is a time for giving, you still need to give to yourself first. You still have to make sure you're doing the things you need to do to keep your bipolar under control.
Whatever you're doing, just take it easy. Don't try to do everything at once. Space things out, and give yourself time to get everything done. Things will fall into place as they will. Just don't stress yourself over it.
Try to do things according to priority. Making a To-Do List is good for this. When you see things listed out in front of you, it's easier to prioritize them. But, again, don't stress yourself over it - if you don't get everything done today, you can finish the list tomorrow.
Or don't make the list so long in the first place that you can't get everything done on it - that's just setting yourself up for failure. Your list needs to be such that you can get everything done and feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.
Christmastime should be a happy time. If you've got this time too wrapped up in outer trappings, with too many things to do, you won't be able to enjoy yourself or the season itself.
You can have a happy holiday season, if you just remember to take it easy.
Don't forget to check out my bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
I know you've probably got shopping to do, a tree to put up and decorate, holiday decorations to put up, cooking and baking to do, family and friends to visit, parties and family gatherings to go to, and endless other holiday activities and responsibilities to attend to, but if you don't take it easy, it can all get too overwhelming for you.
In between all your other scheduling, try to schedule in some breaks for yourself. In between seeing other people, try to schedule some alone time as well.
Remember that although Christmas is a time for giving, you still need to give to yourself first. You still have to make sure you're doing the things you need to do to keep your bipolar under control.
Whatever you're doing, just take it easy. Don't try to do everything at once. Space things out, and give yourself time to get everything done. Things will fall into place as they will. Just don't stress yourself over it.
Try to do things according to priority. Making a To-Do List is good for this. When you see things listed out in front of you, it's easier to prioritize them. But, again, don't stress yourself over it - if you don't get everything done today, you can finish the list tomorrow.
Or don't make the list so long in the first place that you can't get everything done on it - that's just setting yourself up for failure. Your list needs to be such that you can get everything done and feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.
Christmastime should be a happy time. If you've got this time too wrapped up in outer trappings, with too many things to do, you won't be able to enjoy yourself or the season itself.
You can have a happy holiday season, if you just remember to take it easy.
Don't forget to check out my bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Seeing Things Clearly With Bipolar Disorder
I just got new glasses, and it's like I can see clearly for the very first time! I had glasses once a long time ago, but I've gone without them for many years (due to my own vanity) and have just been wearing reading glasses for up-close reading when I've needed them. But I just got to the point where I was using the strongest reading glasses and had to get "real" glasses.
The minute I put them on, it wa like someone had taken away a hazy shield from my world! Everything was in focus, and I could see things far away that I never could before. Oh, how my husband laughed at me as I started reading license plates, store signs and street signs as we pulled away from the eye center!
I was like a child in a new world, and have been since, with this newfound clarity! It is so exciting to see things in this new way - or to see things for the first time, no longer just blurry renditions of themselves.
It's kind of like with bipolar disorder - like in the beginning, when you've been struggling along for so long with the undiagnosed disorder and when you're finally diagnosed and put on the right medication, and all of a sudden you see your whole world with a clarity you've seen it with before!
All of a sudden your world makes sense! Whereas before your thoughts (and judgment) may have been clouded, now they are suddenly very clear.
You are able to make decisions easier and to make better ones, because your mind is no longer so "foggy." Like how I felt putting on my glasses for the first time - all of a sudden everything is easier, clearer.
Things that seemed so difficult before (like getting out of bed) are easier to do now. And after some time has passed, even easier to do, to the point that you wonder why it was ever difficult in the first place!
Bipolar can stop you from being able to do many things until you are properly diagnosed and put on the right medications.
Then, however, it is like me getting my glasses - all of a sudden, you can "see" with clarity what you couldn't see before!
Don't forget to check out my bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com.
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
The minute I put them on, it wa like someone had taken away a hazy shield from my world! Everything was in focus, and I could see things far away that I never could before. Oh, how my husband laughed at me as I started reading license plates, store signs and street signs as we pulled away from the eye center!
I was like a child in a new world, and have been since, with this newfound clarity! It is so exciting to see things in this new way - or to see things for the first time, no longer just blurry renditions of themselves.
It's kind of like with bipolar disorder - like in the beginning, when you've been struggling along for so long with the undiagnosed disorder and when you're finally diagnosed and put on the right medication, and all of a sudden you see your whole world with a clarity you've seen it with before!
All of a sudden your world makes sense! Whereas before your thoughts (and judgment) may have been clouded, now they are suddenly very clear.
You are able to make decisions easier and to make better ones, because your mind is no longer so "foggy." Like how I felt putting on my glasses for the first time - all of a sudden everything is easier, clearer.
Things that seemed so difficult before (like getting out of bed) are easier to do now. And after some time has passed, even easier to do, to the point that you wonder why it was ever difficult in the first place!
Bipolar can stop you from being able to do many things until you are properly diagnosed and put on the right medications.
Then, however, it is like me getting my glasses - all of a sudden, you can "see" with clarity what you couldn't see before!
Don't forget to check out my bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com.
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
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