My Natural, Wonderful, Special Bipolar Self Again!

Well, here I am! My natural, wonderful, special bipolar self again! New and improved! Well, at least that's how it feels now that I've gotten a few nights of good sleep under my belt.

My doctor changed my medication, and I've been able to get back to a regular sleep pattern and to sleep well again, awakening refreshed and alert in the morning, not even waking up during the night to go to the bathroom or anything! It's great!

Sleep means a lot to me. I'm always preaching to everyone with bipolar disorder how important regular, uninterrupted sleep is to good management of bipolar. Now you see why!

Just a couple nights without it, and look what it turned me into! I'm almost embarrassed to read my last post, the one I wrote without any sleep. It was probably a jumble of unreadable mess, I'm afraid. I was just so exhausted.

I looked at the time stamp on here afterward, too, and it said 1 a.m., and I thought, "Oh, gee, they're going to think I'm really out of my mind," because here it was 4 a.m.! I promise you, I really was up all night that night! My exhaustion can bear out the truth on that one.

It was like my body was awake, its parts were functioning (bearly), doing what they were supposed to (I could walk and all), but my mind was just not there, if you know what I mean. Like I was trying to see through oatmeal! This great big fog sort of surrounded me, and even though I could technically walk, it was like I was trying to walk through pea soup!

Ok, ok, enough of the graphics. I was just plain exhausted, all right?

That's what lack of sleep will do to you. But what lack of sleep consistently will do to a person with bipolar disorder is that it will put them into a bipolar episode if not straight into the hospital! Which was where I was headed, if I didn't do something quickly.

I called my psychiatrist after that last post I wrote, later that day, and I spoke to his nurse. I explained the situation, and she was concerned that I was slurring my words (imagine that). I told her that if she had gone without sleep as long as I had, she would probably be slurring her words, too!

She said she would talk to the doctor and call me back.

Well, after several hours, she did call me back. She said she was calling in a prescription for me to the pharmacy that I could take that night that should help me sleep.

Thank God for a good psychiatrist. And thank God for good medication.

I finally slept that night. Really slept. I didn't even get up to go to the bathroom or anything! I slept straight through the night, awakening refreshed and alert the next morning, like I'd had a really great night's sleep (which, apparently, I did!).

I finally felt like myself again!

No more walking through pea soup or looking through oatmeal! Yeah!

The point is, if you're having trouble sleeping, don't let it go on too long. Lack of sleep is one of the biggest triggers to a bipolar manic episode that there is.

Call your psychiatrist like I did. It could just be a matter of your medication stopping working, like it did in my case, so just a switch in medication could be like a magic "cure" for you, like it was for me!

Don't wait. Solving a problem like this can be a matter of only a phone call away.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
ps. Check out my new bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com

To Sleep Perchance to Dream (Shakespeare)

I love that quote by Shakespeare (at least I think it's by him, forgive me if it's not): "To sleep perchance to dream." At least I would have loved it last night if I'd gotten any sleep. Unfortunately, I didn't. Wish I could say I partied all night and had a great time, but I can't say that, either.

Just, for some reason unknown to me, my medications didn't work and I didn't get to sleep at all last night. Just a fluke, I guess. I mean, it wasn't for lack of trying, believe me. I even drank some Sleepytime tea and listened to a CD on Insomnia. Well, that at least relaxed me, but still didn't put me to sleep.

Still, I had to go through my manic checklist and make sure that I'm not in a bipolar manic episode. It's just something I do when something like this happens. Just to be on the safe side (I do it when I'm depressed, too). I'm not overreacting, just being cautious.

So I looked at my checkbook - no cash withdrawals, no checks written. 1 point for the good guys. No credit cards applied for, or any other online purchases made. Another point to the plus. No magazines bought from door-to-door salesman (that's always a point). No shopping sprees or unnecessary purchases (a huge point in my favor). So... finances secure.

I'm not suicidal or homicidal, no plans for either. Big point. No anger or hostility. Another point. A little bit of irritability, agitation, and frustration, but you'd feel that, too, if you couldn't sleep all night, so that's kind of a moot point.

I haven't gone through my house like Mr. Clean or rearranged my entire wardrobe (not that I would do that anyway, but I've heard that some people do in a manic episode), so I can't really award myself a point there, but you get my drift.

No erratic or risk-taking behavior. Point. No impulsive behavior. Another point. No out-of-control behavior. Another point. Not even any out-of-character behavior. Another point.

I'm still me, I just haven't slept!

So my mania checklist checked out ok. I am not in a bipolar manic episode (I could've told you that, but I wanted to be sure)! I wasn't overreacting, I was being prudent. Better to be safe than sorry, so they say. I do the same thing when I show signs of depression.

I also told my husband (my supporter) what was going on, and you'd better believe my psychiatrist is going to get a call from me first thing today about that new sleeping pill he gave me that, guess what, does NOT work!!!

I just shared all that to say this. When we have a symptom of a bipolar episode, that doesn't necessarily mean that we are IN a bipolar episode. But it does mean that we should check it out anyway, just in case.

I mean, not everyone who goes through a sleepless night is manic. I'm not. But I went through my manic checklist anyway, because I've learned through the past that I can't always trust myself. I also told my husband for the same reason. It helps to have supporters who keep an eye on us, just to keep us on the right path.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
ps. Check out my new bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com

Sometimes We Have to Be Our Own Bipolar Cheerleader

Rah! Rah! We can do it! Yes we can! Ok, so it doesn't rhyme. And it may not encourage you to go out and "pull one for the team." But it may just encourage you to keep on going just one more day with the problems you have to face with your bipolar disorder.

Sometimes, you may not have a whole cheering section in your corner. Sometimes your best cheerleader is yourself. And you can't give up on yourself, either! You have to keep going, even when you feel like quitting.

Because you don't really have a choice. Well, actually, you always have a choice, but since the alternative is to go into a bipolar episode... that's not much of a choice, now, is it?

Sometimes it can feel pretty lonely facing our problems alone, or at least feeling like we're facing them alone. We might have a good support system, and that's great, but still feel like we're the only one who really knows how we feel with our disorder.

It's kind of like only an alcoholic really truly knows how another alcoholic feels deep inside. Well, sometimes we feel that way, too. That only another person with bipolar disorder can truly understand us.

That's why I'm here. I want you to know that I truly do understand what you're going through. Oh, I may not have faced the very same problems, but the feelings are the same. And I can be your very own personal cheerleader! There you go! You can do it! You can beat this thing!

But since I'm only on this blog, on this computer screen in front of you and not in person there beside you, my well wishes and prayers can only go so far, unfortunately.

In the end, you are the one who is with you all of the time. Just you. So you need to learn to become your own best bipolar cheerleader.

We used to hear it said, "Be your own best friend." But with bipolar disorder, you have to take it a step further. Because we deal with a whole host of other problems that need tending to.

But you CAN do it, I know you can! If you've made it this far, you can go further! Just think of everything you've already made it through, some of it pretty tough, too, wasn't it? Use those experiences to build your strength on, and you can push ahead.

We both know this isn't a football game. This is your life. Everything matters. But the more you conquer with bipolar disorder, the stronger you become, and the more stable.

The more stable you become, the happier your life. And I want you to have a happy life, don't you?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele
ps. Check out my new bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com

Just an Ok Day with Bipolar, But That's Not Bad!

Today was just an ok day with my bipolar disorder, but hey - that's not bad at all, considering where I've come from! I remember days when I couldn't even get myself out of bed so, considering that, getting out of bed today was a big accomplishment! I even got some things done as well, so I'd say, on the whole, it wasn't such a bad day after all.

I usually don't look back - I leave the past where it belongs, in the past. But sometimes it helps to look back just to see how far I've come, to see how much I've accomplished, to see how much recovery I've actually achieved. In that way, it's a good thing.

In doing that, I can see that I've come very far. I'm not scared of everyone and everything any more, like I used to be. There was a time when I didn't even leave my house for, like, almost a whole month! Fear was my constant companion.

Today I have self-confidence that I had no idea I had anywhere inside me back then. But it's taken years of taking risks and trying new things that worked out and successes instead of failures to bring me this far.

The thing is that you've got to TRY. You can't just let that fear get a hold of you and keep you from trying new things. Who knows? That thing you're afraid to try could be the very thing that could bring you success with your bipolar disorder!

We just can't stay idle, that's one thing for sure. Idleness can lead to depression and with us, depression can lead into a full-blown bipolar depressive episode.

So we've got to find things that keep us occupied, that keep us productive. Even if we can't work a full-time job outside the home, there's always volunteer work, or things around the house that can keep us busy, or hobbies, friends to have lunch with, things to do that make us feel good about ourselves.

If you haven't done it lately, try something new.

Try to do something you've never done before. You might even be good at it!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele
ps. Check out my new bipolar book at: www.brokenroseministries.com

Making the Best of What You've Got With Bipolar

I've been stable for quite a while now, and I'm so very grateful for that. I was reminded the other day of how things used to be - of how just getting out of bed was an insurmountable task on some days. Of how trying to come up with a gratitude list was near impossible, because I couldn't think of anything to be grateful for, so overwhelmed was I with the negative side of my bipolar disorder and the problems it brought.

I've always thought of bipolar disorder as my very real enemy, and sometimes that enemy would win, like when I would end up in the hospital, because I just couldn't handle the symptoms of the disorder. My thoughts would get all jumbled up to the point that I just couldn't tell what was reality and what wasn't any more. I would even hallucinate sometimes. Those were the worst of times. I couldn't even trust my own thoughts and feelings, because they weren't always rational. It's hard to face being that out of control.

Luckily, I have a great psychiatrist, and great medications that would always bring me back. Still, it was hard to admit that I'm not perfect, and these episodes would happen to me, without my permission. I was a control freak. I was a perfectionist. And when I would go into a bipolar episode, it was kind of an affront to my character, or so I thought. But they wouldn't last long, and the medication would help me get back to normal.

Like I said, though, I've been stable for quite a while now. It's proof that bipolar disorder, enemy though it is, can be managed. But it does take work on our part. A big part for me is living just one day at a time. If I dwell too much on the past, which I can't do anything about anyway, I tend to get depressed, because I made so many mistakes, mistakes that I can't undo. So I just choose not to dwell on it. Except to learn from it and from my mistakes, and not to make the same ones again. Now, instead of letting a depression go on for too long, I will do something about it in the very beginning so that I don't go into a full-blown episode.

Which isn't to say that I don't still have bad days. Everyone does, even people that don't have bipolar disorder. It's what we do with them that matters. I don't overreact anymore. I don't assume that just because I'm feeling a little down one day that I'm going into a depressive episode. I try to make myself feel better. I read a book, or watch a good (feel-good) video. I write in my journal. I tackle a project that I've been procrastinating. I talk to someone about the way I'm feeling. I'll go somewhere, like take a drive into the beautiful mountains near my house. I'll go exercise. I'll work. I'll be productive in some way, which always makes me feel better. The one thing I will NOT do is sit around feeling sorry for myself. That always makes me worse.

I am proactive about the management of my bipolar disorder now. That's what keeps me stable. I take my medication religiously. I go to see my doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist on a regular basis. I keep a mood chart, which helps me note patterns in my moods and note if an impending episode is coming, so I can head it off at the pass. I attend a bipolar support group. I exercise and stay active. I eat healthy and right. I stay balanced physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Yes, I do have bipolar disorder. I can't help that. But I do make the best of it anyway. And I live as normal a life as possible despite that fact. And I'm pretty successful at it. I've even been able to make some of my dreams come true! I've been able to publish FOUR books that I've written, one of them a book on bipolar disorder (that you can get from www.brokenroseministries.com ). That was a real thrill, since I've wanted to be an author since I was 12 years old, and had let bipolar disorder stop me for so many years.

Here's the message: You don't have to let your bipolar stop you from doing anything you want to do. Look at me!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Facing the Day Head On with Bipolar Disorder

We've all had those days when we'd rather stay in bed and just not face the day, haven't we? When just getting out of bed is about the best we can do, and even that is an effort. It happens to the best of us. I've even got a T-shirt that says, "Hey, I'm dressed and out of bed, what more do you want from me?" LOL

But we've also had days that when we have gotten out of bed and faced the day head on, things got better. Ok, so maybe just getting out of bed was the major accomplishment of the day, but at least we did that. And anything else we accomplished that day was icing on the cake. Some days are harder than other days, I'll grant you that.

But what is the alternative? To stay in bed and think about how bad things are? All that does is feed negative thoughts into an already deepening depression. Keep going like that, and you're likely to run into a full bipolar depressive episode. So no matter how hard it is sometimes, you at least need to get yourself out of bed and try to accomplish something.

Face the day head on, with all its challenges, and you'll find that you'll feel better. No matter how much or how little you do, you will feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. There are some days when all I do is read, but at least I can say that I read a book. That may not be much, but at least I got out of bed and did something. Even if all I do is write in my journal, that's something, too. Or I try to talk to someone, to reach out.

Helping others is always a great thing to do to get out of your own head. It makes you feel better about yourself. There is always someone else worse off than you are. Volunteering is a good way to make productive use of your time and keep you from becoming idle. Too much spare time is not good for you or your bipolar disorder, and can lead to depression if you're not careful.

Pick a project to work on, or a hobby to do. Sometimes when I'm really bored, I'll do crossword puzzles. It at least keeps my mind occupied (don't think less of me, but I do the easy ones! LOL), and I don't stray into negative thinking or become depressed. Sometimes I'll pick a project like re-arranging my bookshelves or cleaning up my office. That can take all day, with the state of my office!

Catch up on something you've been procrastinating. Write those emails or letters you've been putting off.

The important thing is to get out of bed and DO something! Be productive with your time. Do something you enjoy, something that will help you to feel better about yourself.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
ps. Check out my new bipolar book at www.brokenroseministries.com

Sometimes It's Hard to Be Strong With Bipolar

Sometimes it is hard to be strong with bipolar disorder. We face so many obstacles every day that sometimes just getting out of bed is a big accomplishment for us, isn't it? But we do it, because we have to. And we do much more than that, because we have to. We have to, because we cannot let bipolar disorder defeat us. We just cannot let it win!

We are better than our disorder! This isn't our fault. We did nothing to deserve it, and there is nothing we could have done to prevent it. It just IS. We are just a couple of the millions of people who happened to get bipolar disorder. We have no choice but to deal with it the best we can.

We can go to our doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists regularly. We can take our medication religiously. We can go to our support groups whenever we can. We can read all the literature and books on the disorder that we can get our hands on and become as educated as we possibly can. We can become our own best self-advocate. But if we do not stand strong against our own bipolar disorder, we will still lose.

Yes, sometimes it's hard to be strong with bipolar disorder. But we still have to be. Sometimes it takes all the courage we have within us, but we can do it. We have that strength. We have that courage.

We have to remember that we are NOT our disorder! Bipolar disorder is something we HAVE, not something we ARE! It is an entity outside of ourselves, not a part of our identity. It is something we fight on a daily basis, so that it doesn't take us over. "There is still a ME inside here," is our battle cry! We fight to maintain our identities in spite of the mood swings, in spite of the medication, in spite of the bipolar disorder itself.

We have had to overcome overwhelming odds to reach any sense of stability. Any time we have gained between bipolar episodes has been hard fought for. And we should be proud of ourselves for it! The longer we go between episodes, the more stable we become. The more stable we become, the more high functioning we can be. And the more high functioning we can be, the more of our lives we can re-take!

Remember, you are strong. You are courageous. You are a bipolar SURVIVOR!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
ps. Check out my new bipolar book at www.brokenroseministries.com