To Those Who Are Depressed - From My Heart

Hey, y'all --

Today I was made aware of a friend of a friend who is struggling with depression and suicide. She is on yet another medication that isn't working, and she just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been there. Some of you have been there. Maybe you're there right now. If so, please listen to me.

I was depressed for a long time. Diagnosed at 16 yrs old with chronic major depression, yet not diagnosed with bipolar disorder until I was in my 40's. That's a lot of sadness.

I would get so depressed that I wrapped my agony around me like a blanket and prayed to God not to wake up the next day, because it would just be more of the same -- like a knife in my heart that just couldn't be removed. I bled tears instead of blood.

I have tried to kill myself 5 times, starting from the time I was 12 yrs old. I couldn't see the end of the tunnel, either. I never thought my feelings of loneliness, desperation, despair, disappointment, and excruciating pain would ever go away.

I thought at one point that the world, especially my children, would be better off without me. I thought I was always going to be the way I was and feel like I did -- like a beaten dog, cowering in a corner.

A few years ago, my sister committed suicide because of bipolar disorder. I know how she felt. Like the pain would never end. Like life just wasn't worth living if it was going to be like this, day after day. My sister was on the wrong medication, and she stopped taking it, causing her to go into a deeper episode and just giving up.

When I got the news that my sister had killed herself, it was like someone had punched me in the gut. I don't remember breathing. I just remember repeating the words, "No...no...no..." over and over again. I had thought I'd known pain before, but it was nothing compared to the pain I felt then.

I vowed then that I would never try to kill myself again, because I could never hurt anyone else the way my sister hurt me. To those of you thinking of suicide, remember this. You may believe that your death will not mean anything to anyone else, or even that they'd be better off without you, but that is a lie.

You are worthy. You are loved and you are lovable. Bipolar disorder lies to you, distorts your thoughts into believing that you're not, but you ARE. Your presence in this life MEANS something. YOU mean something. You are loved, if by no one else than by God and by me. I may not know you, I may never meet you, but there is love in my heart for you right now. I know your struggle. I have been where you are.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. How do you know what tomorrow will bring? Tomorrow may be the very day that you pull out of this depression.

Yes, I struggled with getting stabilized on medication, just like my sister. Nothing seemed to work, or work for very long, for two whole years. But my doctor didn't give up on me, and we finally got the medications right, and I have been stable and happy.

If you have no other example, look to me as someone who has been where you are and come out on the other side. Scarred, perhaps, but ALIVE. I could never have known back then how good my life would be today. I could only see what was right in front of me, and that was overwhelming to me.

If you are thinking of suicide, please just hang on for one more day. Tomorrow may be the day that you come out of this depression. And if not, tomorrow, maybe the next day. Please, don't give up hope. There is always hope. Just don't let go.

Hope. That was what I had lost all those years I spent in depression. I had no hope. I felt so very lost. But I had no idea what the future would hold for me, and neither do you. There is a purpose for your life, just like there is for mine. I wish someone had told me that back then, and I wish I had believed them. There were so many wasted years...

Today my life is nothing like it was back then. Today my bipolar disorder is under control, and I am no longer depressed. I get sad sometimes when I think of my sister, because I ache in my heart to see her again, but the weeks and months of depression don't happen any more.

I have a good life now. Because I didn't give up. There really was light at the end of the tunnel for me, and there will be for you, too.

Hold onto these thoughts, do NOT give up, and remember that you are loved.

God loves you and so do I,
Michele