To Those Who Are Depressed - From My Heart

Hey, y'all --

Today I was made aware of a friend of a friend who is struggling with depression and suicide. She is on yet another medication that isn't working, and she just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been there. Some of you have been there. Maybe you're there right now. If so, please listen to me.

I was depressed for a long time. Diagnosed at 16 yrs old with chronic major depression, yet not diagnosed with bipolar disorder until I was in my 40's. That's a lot of sadness.

I would get so depressed that I wrapped my agony around me like a blanket and prayed to God not to wake up the next day, because it would just be more of the same -- like a knife in my heart that just couldn't be removed. I bled tears instead of blood.

I have tried to kill myself 5 times, starting from the time I was 12 yrs old. I couldn't see the end of the tunnel, either. I never thought my feelings of loneliness, desperation, despair, disappointment, and excruciating pain would ever go away.

I thought at one point that the world, especially my children, would be better off without me. I thought I was always going to be the way I was and feel like I did -- like a beaten dog, cowering in a corner.

A few years ago, my sister committed suicide because of bipolar disorder. I know how she felt. Like the pain would never end. Like life just wasn't worth living if it was going to be like this, day after day. My sister was on the wrong medication, and she stopped taking it, causing her to go into a deeper episode and just giving up.

When I got the news that my sister had killed herself, it was like someone had punched me in the gut. I don't remember breathing. I just remember repeating the words, "No...no...no..." over and over again. I had thought I'd known pain before, but it was nothing compared to the pain I felt then.

I vowed then that I would never try to kill myself again, because I could never hurt anyone else the way my sister hurt me. To those of you thinking of suicide, remember this. You may believe that your death will not mean anything to anyone else, or even that they'd be better off without you, but that is a lie.

You are worthy. You are loved and you are lovable. Bipolar disorder lies to you, distorts your thoughts into believing that you're not, but you ARE. Your presence in this life MEANS something. YOU mean something. You are loved, if by no one else than by God and by me. I may not know you, I may never meet you, but there is love in my heart for you right now. I know your struggle. I have been where you are.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. How do you know what tomorrow will bring? Tomorrow may be the very day that you pull out of this depression.

Yes, I struggled with getting stabilized on medication, just like my sister. Nothing seemed to work, or work for very long, for two whole years. But my doctor didn't give up on me, and we finally got the medications right, and I have been stable and happy.

If you have no other example, look to me as someone who has been where you are and come out on the other side. Scarred, perhaps, but ALIVE. I could never have known back then how good my life would be today. I could only see what was right in front of me, and that was overwhelming to me.

If you are thinking of suicide, please just hang on for one more day. Tomorrow may be the day that you come out of this depression. And if not, tomorrow, maybe the next day. Please, don't give up hope. There is always hope. Just don't let go.

Hope. That was what I had lost all those years I spent in depression. I had no hope. I felt so very lost. But I had no idea what the future would hold for me, and neither do you. There is a purpose for your life, just like there is for mine. I wish someone had told me that back then, and I wish I had believed them. There were so many wasted years...

Today my life is nothing like it was back then. Today my bipolar disorder is under control, and I am no longer depressed. I get sad sometimes when I think of my sister, because I ache in my heart to see her again, but the weeks and months of depression don't happen any more.

I have a good life now. Because I didn't give up. There really was light at the end of the tunnel for me, and there will be for you, too.

Hold onto these thoughts, do NOT give up, and remember that you are loved.

God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Musings of a Bipolar Mind

Hey, y'all --

Today I don't have anything specific to share... just some of my bipolar musings.

For one thing, I was thinking about having bipolar disorder to begin with, and how it affects my life.

I don't like the fact that I have the disorder, but I'm ok with having it, if that makes any sense. I guess I've just come to terms with it.

It took me out of a very stressful workplace where I was dangerously close to a complete nervous breakdown.

And it now allows me the freedom to work from home, where I am safe, stable, and sane, and can be around my husband, who is my greatest supporter.

I live in the country (by choice), where it is very peaceful. Whenever I feel anxious or stressed, I can go out on my porch and look at the Smoky Mountains, and my peace is restored.

When my sister died (killed herself because of unmedicated bipolar disorder), everyone talked to me about closure. I didn't want closure. But somewhere along the line, I did make peace with her death.

So I guess you could say I've made peace with my bipolar disorder, too.

I believe that the fact that I have bipolar disorder makes me more creative. I had always wanted to be a writer, and now I have something to write about. I love writing for www.bipolarcentral.com, and knowing that what I write helps other people who have bipolar disorder.

I am grateful for every single day I go without a bipolar episode. This is the true meaning of living "One Day at a Time." It's all I can handle, and is the way I cope with my disorder.

Life is good for me now. No more episodes around every corner, like it used to be. My life was so unmanageable at one time with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Now, I don't know what I'd do without the medication that keeps me so stable.

But it's the lifestyle you choose that keeps you stable as well. I choose a peaceful lifestyle, and everything in my surroundings and in myself reflects that. If you keep allowing disruption and turmoil in your life, despite medication, your life will still remain unmanageable.

Peace at all costs. That should be my motto. If I even smell a stressful situation, I scurry the other way. Nothing is worth having a bipolar episode over.

Life is not without its challenges, however. Right now I'm having to go through foreclosure and bankruptcy on my house, and it threatens daily to steal my joy. It's a hard fight right now to accept that I have to go through it, and even tho I really had no choice, it sometimes still bothers me.

There was a book called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People," that reminds me that it isn't my fault that I have to go through this trial, and that's a comforting thought.

I control what is within my power to control, and nothing more. I have to accept unpleasant things in my life (we all have them, bipolar or not), but it's my choice whether I accept them with strength and dignity.

I like the expression, "Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I do feel that having bipolar disorder has made me a stronger person. I figure if I can fight the disorder on a daily basis (and WIN!), then I can handle the other things that life throws my way.

What do you think? Do you agree or disagree that bipolar disorder makes us stronger?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Living with Bipolar Disorder Today

Hey, y'all --

I've been thinking about my bipolar disorder and how I have to live with it today. I may not like to do the things I have to do to be stable, but I sure do cherish stability itself.

There was a time when I went from episode to episode (I'm a rapid cycler), and didn't even realize how unmanageable my life was. I mean, half the time I was out of my mind, so how could I know?

I accepted the abnormal as normal, and that was my life. And a strange life it was! It took a long time to truly understand the effect that bipolar disorder had had on my past.

Living with bipolar disorder today means making concessions. I have to do things I don't like. But the trade-off is that if I do them, I get to hold onto my stability (and my sanity). So that makes it worth it all.

I have a much better life now than I used to have. It's great not to be in a battle with bipolar disorder any more. As long as I am stable, I am in control of it, and not fighting it.

I've learned to accept my disorder and work within the confines of it. And I don't mind that. It's much better than the alternative!

For example, I know I absolutely cannot work outside the home any more. It's just too stressful for me, and triggers me into a bipolar episode. But instead, I work from home writing for www.bipolarcentral.com, enjoying all the advantages of having a home-based business.

Living with bipolar disorder today means that I keep an attitude of gratitude. I have learned how to appreciate the smaller things. And to take each day as it comes. I accept things as they are now, instead of how I would like them to be.

Living with bipolar disorder today means that I am balanced - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I am more serene and appreciate my stability (and my daily life) more. I also appreciate the people in it.

I know I hate taking medication every day, but if the trade-off is the way I am living with bipolar disorder today, then it's worth every pill.

What about you? What is living with bipolar disorder like for you today?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Is Having Bipolar Disorder Really That Bad?

Hey, y'all --

I am in the process of losing my house (don't worry, I have somewhere to go to), and I'm having to deal with the mortgage people. Yesterday, this woman called and became rather rude and cold when I told her I have bipolar disorder (she asked).

You would have thought she would have gone on in the manner she was already, but she seemed so ignorant about bipolar disorder that I just wanted to stop the whole conversation and teach her about the disorder and how to treat people who have it. But I didn't, because she said she knew about the disorder (couldn't tell that!), and then she went on like business as usual.

I guess it was her business to make me anxious and stressed, because if so, she accomplished her purpose.

But her attitude toward me was kind of like, "So what? Having Bipolar Disorder can't really be that bad."

Well, you and I know that it absolutely CAN be that bad! I wouldn't wish this disorder on anyone, but I'm sure if this woman had bipolar disorder, she wouldn't be as easy-going about it.

I know, I know, it's all about the money. That's her job. And I'll grant her that. But I think she might've been just a little nicer to me, and more understanding about my disorder.

I don't go out much, so I don't have a lot of social contact, and it kind of surprised me that there are still people out there who either haven't heard about bipolar disorder or don't know much about it, lumping all of us under a big umbrella that says "mentally ill."

It's a shame that even today we have to deal with the stigma surrounding mental illness in general and bipolar disorder in specific.

People who deal with others as part of their job (like this woman I talked to about my mortgage) should have a better understanding of other people and their problems.

Right now having bipolar disorder really is that bad for me! I'm having to handle the stresses and anxiety that come along with making a major move, and trying to keep myself stable at the same time.

Does it ever make you mad when other people don't seem like your bipolar disorder matters very much (in a negative way)?

Have you come across people who still submit to the fear and stigma associated with mental illness? Have you been treated differently because of it?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Toughest Bipolar Question

I love "giving back." Through the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) In Our Own Voice Program (IOOV), I am finally able to do that. My main goals, through telling my story are to put a face on mental illness, and give hope for recovery from it.

Too many people are still afraid of those of us who have a mental illness. People fear what they don't understand. One of the ways NAMI fights this is through education. I look at my IOOV presentations as a way of educating people, so that they can see that yes, I have a mental illness, but that I am in recovery, and have the disorder managed very well with treatment.

It's important to me that the general public sees me as a regular person first, and a person with a mental illness second.

I always arrive early at my IOOV presentations, so I can meet and greet some of the attendees. They shake my hand, talk awhile, and then most of them are surprised to find that I'm actually the speaker! I've had many people tell me that if they hadn't heard me speak, they never would have even known I have bipolar disorder.

During the presentation there is an opportunity for questions from the audience. Invariably, I am asked the same question from other people with bipolar disorder - "What is the best medication for bipolar disorder?" It is one of the hardest questions to answer, but I answer it the same way every time.

"The best bipolar medication? Well, everyone is different, so what works for one person may not work for another. The best medication for each person is the one that works the best for them. Working with my psychiatrist, it took awhile to find the right combination of medication to give me the greatest stability."

I find that after that, other questions are easier to answer. The hardest part is keeping "you" statements out of the answers I give. But I just remember that I'm there to tell my story, and to promote NAMI, not to give any advice to the audience.

If they ask for an opinion, I usually just start with, "In my experience..." And I have found that those three key words keep me in "I statements" only.

I love doing IOOV presentations, and helping the general public gain knowledge of mental illness that they didn't have before, and encouragement for recovery to those consumers who might be in the audience.

I am so very grateful today to be stable and to be a good example for recovery. If I can give hope to just one person, then it is worth it.

God bless,
Michele