Remembering Debi's Suicide

I was communicating with someone yesterday and she brought up my sister Debi, which started me thinking about her again. I mean, I think about her alot, but not like I used to - every day, and of course the tears would come. I never thought I would get over her suicide.

In case you are a new reader, my sister Deb was only in her forties when she went off her bipolar medication, got a gun (on impulse), and killed herself. It was all out of the blue. No suicide note. No hints. No indications. No threats. No prior attempts. No nothing. Just one day she was here and the next day she wasn't.

It tore me to the core. I felt like I had died with her. It took over FIVE years before I could talk or write about her without crying. I still do sometimes, especially if it's been awhile, or it's her birthday or deathday (I celebrate both). Or today.

I'm ok with older people dying, because I feel like they've lived out their lives, but I am not ok with my sister dying. She was too young. She had so much still to do. But the worst of all - we never got to say goodbye. Yes, I'd say that was the worst of all.

God, how I miss her. In all the literature on bipolar disorder, you read about the statistics on people with bipolar committing suicide (1 in 5), you read about the reasons they might do it, you can read all about suicide, but never does it actually prepare you for it happening in your family. Never.

Never does any of the books or literature tell you how very painful it will be when you lose a loved one to this disorder. The pain is just indescribable. Unbearable at first. You can't breathe. You feel like you can't go on. When I was told the news (over the phone), I felt like I was punched in the stomach and all the air was sucked out of me. All I could say was, "No, no, no." Even today that pain is as palpable as it was then.

It shouldn't have happened. It never would have happened if Debi had stayed on her bipolar medication. This woman was the very definition of verve, of life. Just being around her would lift your spirits! You felt better just having her in your life. There are some people who enrich your life just by being a part of it, and Debi was that kind of person. She is terribly missed, by more than just me.

So if you are struggling right now, seeing suicide as a viable option to your problems, think again. Stop thinking of yourself and your own pain and suffering and think about the pain and suffering you will cause those you will leave behind, because it will be enormous, more than you could imagine. We still mourn my sister's death, and it's been 6 years since she killed herself. Someone said you eventually get over it, but I don't think I ever will. I loved her that much. You are loved that much.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Don't forget to check out my book on bipolar at: www.brokenroseministries.com

Remember God loves you and so do I,

Michele