My Son Tried to Kill Himself

I guess I should explain my absence from posting, as you deserve to know. A few weeks ago, my middle son (25 years old) tried to kill himself. He got drunk and took a bunch of pills. It was a plan - he dressed in a suit, and even wrote out his will. He had every intention of dying. Fortunately, as he says, "something or someone made me throw up" even before the cops and EMT's got there. I believe it was God, and I thank Him for saving my son's life.

He says now that he has a "second chance." He is motivated now to get a better job, and to move forward with his plans and dreams. He is much changed! He had an awful time in the ER for five hours, and definitely does not want to relive the experience.

However, I went into a depression over it - I made the mistake of feeling guilt, and going through all the woulda-coulda-shoulda's. I should have seen it coming... I could have done something to help him... I would have done something to stop him... Until I realized that this isn't on me - it's on him, and only him. He made the decision, he followed through. There were no "clues" leading up to it. And I do not believe he would have done it if he weren't drunk, which he says was part of his plan, so it would give him the nerve to carry through.

I stopped feeling guilty, because as much as I love him, and as close to him as I am, there really is nothing I can do for him except to love him unconditionally with a mother's love. I can be here for him, but I cannot do things for him (that would be enabling him, and just make matters worse). But I do make sure that he is getting up every day, eating, taking care of his needs, and doing what he needs to do (like get a job). But again, I cannot do these things for him.

That's the hardest thing, as a mother. I want to "fix" him, or fix things for him. I want him to be happy. I don't want him ever again to feel the stress, pressure, and pain that caused him to try to take his own life. That's because I love him so much. But I still cannot do anything for him except to pray for him and be there for him if he needs me. And he is in contact with me (or I with him) every day now, as he is on the mend.

CJ is better now. And so am I. As horrible as it all was, it was not worth a depressive bipolar episode for me. I believe he also has (undiagnosed) bipolar disorder, but I cannot force him to go get treatment. He is an adult, making his own decisions. I wish I could do this for him, but I can't. I wish he would get treatment, so this doesn't happen again, but I can't. I have to take a step back, just as other family members of a loved one with a mental illness, and hope that he'll be ok.

I pray for him every day, yet I still take care of myself as well. I will do what I can for him, but mostly I am watching him and praying that he learned his lesson (that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem) and will face his problems now without being overwhelmed by them. Or, if he becomes overwhelmed, that he will talk to someone about it before making another bad decision.

All I can do is love him and pray for him. Yet those are the hardest things for a mother to do when her son is in pain. I wish I could do more.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele